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Daily Dabble: Burn Notice – Episode 1

Daily Dabble: Burn Notice – Episode 1

Daily Dabble: Burn Notice – Episode 1 (Full Transcript Edition)

Skeletons, Scandals & Sweaters in Smoke

INTRO

Let’s be honest — celebrity interviews are usually as fake as supermarket sushi. The publicists hand them the script, the hosts pretend to be fascinated, and the rest of us are left with a five-minute fluff segment and an ad for hair loss pills.

That’s why I invented Burn Notice — the only game show where reputations go up in smoke faster than a gas station blunt wrap. Three celebrities enter the Burn Ring armed only with a mic, their wit, and a closet full of skeletons that I personally have no problem dragging out.

Four rounds. No mercy. They roast each other. They roast themselves. And when the smoke clears, Cheech & Chong crown one “Flameproof Champion” — the one who walks out without looking like a deleted TMZ headline.

Picture it: a haze of stage smoke, the glow of neon lights bouncing off the Burn Notice sign, and a crowd so loud you can barely hear the house music. You can smell popcorn, overpriced beer, and, if you’re in the first five rows, probably whatever the guy next to you rolled in the parking lot.

I’m your host, Bud D. Lite, and this is Burn Notice — the only game show where reputations get charbroiled in front of a live studio audience and two of the highest judges in comedy history, Cheech & Chong.

Four rounds. No mercy. The rules?

  • Delivery & Timing – 1–10
  • Comeback Strength – 1–10
  • Crowd Reaction – 1–10

Tie? One-Hit Sudden Death — one roast, no do-overs.

Tonight’s contenders:

  • Bill Cosby – “America’s Dad” turned “America’s Oh-No.”
  • Charlie Sheen – The man who can’t decide if he’s a sitcom star, a warlock, or a walking pharmaceutical ad.
  • Johnny Depp – The eccentric pirate-poet who dresses like a flea market had a yard sale.

CHEECH & CHONG OPENING

Cheech: “We’re here to judge, not roast. Which is weird, ‘cause I usually only judge tacos.”
Chong: “Yeah, man… my normal scorecard is ‘how many hits until I forget my own name.’”
Cheech: “If the burn hits like a dab, it’s a 10.”
Chong: “If it’s weak, we pass it… just like a bad joint.”

The crowd laughs. Kushie barks once from the side of the stage.

ROUND 1: WARM-UP WOUNDS

Bud D. Lite: “Alright, Round 1 — everybody gets one shot at each opponent. Keep it clean-ish.”

Cosby → Sheen:

  • Setup: Cosby adjusts his mic, pacing slowly like he’s about to tell a bedtime story.
  • Roast: “Charlie, you’ve been in rehab so often, the coffee machine there has your loyalty card.”
  • Reaction: The audience bursts into laughter, someone in the back yells, “Free refills!”
  • Comeback: Sheen: “At least my loyalty program doesn’t come with a subpoena.”

Cosby → Depp:

  • Setup: “Johnny, you’ve been a pirate for… what, fifteen years?”
  • Roast: “I’m surprised you didn’t sail here.”
  • Reaction: Cheech chuckles, “Arrr you kidding me, man?” Chong just coughs and nods.
  • Comeback: Depp: “Better than riding in the Cosby van.” Crowd: “Ooooooh!”

Sheen → Cosby:

  • Setup: Sheen smirks, leaning into the mic.
  • Roast: “Bill, you went from America’s Dad to America’s Dateline special.”
  • Reaction: A wave of “Ohhh!” sweeps the audience, followed by applause.
  • Comeback: Cosby: “And you went from sitcom star to ‘Please turn off your phone during detox.’”

Sheen → Depp:

  • Setup: “Johnny… buddy…”
  • Roast: “You look like Keith Richards if he opened a Pier 1 Imports.”
  • Reaction: The judges nearly spit out their sodas laughing.
  • Comeback: Depp: “I’ll take that as a compliment. Keith dresses well.”

Depp → Cosby:

  • Setup: Depp tilts his hat, eyeing Cosby.
  • Roast: “Bill, your sweaters are the only survivors of your career.”
  • Reaction: The crowd loses it, a chant of “SWEAT-ERS” starts.
  • Comeback: Cosby: “Better sweaters than scarves that could strangle a man.”

Depp → Sheen:

  • Setup: “Charlie, you’ve got a… unique bloodstream.”
  • Roast: “Your blood type is probably rum and regret.”
  • Reaction: Chong wipes a tear from laughing too hard.
  • Comeback: Sheen: “Rum? Please, I’m top shelf.”

Cheech: “Everybody’s still loosening up, man… except Sheen, he came in like it’s last call.”
Chong: “Yeah, Depp’s just pacing himself — pirate style.”

Scores: Cosby 21 | Sheen 24 | Depp 25

ROUND 2: SKELETONS OUT OF THE CLOSET

Bud D. Lite: “Round 2 — dig deep. We want the skeletons dancing.”

Cosby → Sheen:

  • Setup: “Charlie… you like your powder, huh?”
  • Roast: “You’ve done more blow than my sweaters have mothballs.”
  • Reaction: Cheech nearly chokes on his nachos. The crowd roars.
  • Comeback: Sheen: “Mothballs don’t land you on TMZ.”

Cosby → Depp:

  • Setup: “Johnny, about that divorce…”
  • Roast: “You and Amber made divorce court look like pay-per-view boxing.”
  • Reaction: The crowd groans and laughs at the same time.
  • Comeback: Depp: “At least mine had better costumes.”

Sheen → Cosby:

  • Setup: “Bill, you love pudding, right?”
  • Roast: “You made pudding a red flag.”
  • Reaction: The audience gasps, then bursts out laughing.
  • Comeback: Cosby: “Still better than tiger blood.”

Sheen → Depp:

  • Setup: “Johnny, ever heard of traveling light?”
  • Roast: “You accessorize like you’re hiding clues to a murder mystery.”
  • Reaction: Chong leans to Cheech: “I bet he is, man.”
  • Comeback: Depp: “They’re clues… but to better fashion.”

Depp → Cosby:

  • Setup: “Bill, you’ve had some… career changes.”
  • Roast: “You didn’t just burn bridges — you salted the earth after.”
  • Reaction: The front row goes, “Oooooh DAMN.”
  • Comeback: Cosby: “Better than letting the bridge collapse under eyeliner.”

Depp → Sheen:

  • Setup: “Charlie, your life story…”
  • Roast: “Is basically an unproduced Tarantino script.”
  • Reaction: Cheech nods, “I’d watch that, man.”
  • Comeback: Sheen: “Yeah, but mine would have a happier ending.”

Cheech: “Man, these closets got more skeletons than a Spirit Halloween.”
Chong: “And Sheen’s skeletons got backstage passes.”

Scores: Cosby 21 | Sheen 25 | Depp 27

ROUND 3: SELF-INFLICTED BURNS

(One roast to each opponent + one savage self-burn. If you can’t take it, you can’t dish it.)

Bud D. Lite: “Round 3 — the Self-Inflicted Burn. Time to prove you can roast yourself harder than anyone else can.”

Cosby → Sheen:

  • Setup: “Charlie… there’s chaos, and then there’s you.”
  • Roast: “If chaos was a person, it’d still be afraid of you.”
  • Reaction: The audience laughs, and someone yells, “Facts!”
  • Comeback: Sheen: “Chaos envies my work ethic.”

Cosby → Depp:

  • Setup: “Johnny, your commercials…”
  • Roast: “Your perfume ads are just fever dreams with a budget.”
  • Reaction: Cheech nods slowly, “True, man… I saw one and thought I was in Narnia.”
  • Comeback: Depp: “That’s the point — smells like adventure.”

Cosby self-burn:

  • Setup: “And me?”
  • Roast: “I went from sitcom dad to ‘don’t leave your drink unattended’ PSA.”
  • Reaction: The crowd lets out a mix of groans and nervous chuckles.
  • Comeback: Sheen (interrupting): “You said it, not me.”

Sheen → Cosby:

  • Setup: “Bill, this is gonna hurt.”
  • Roast: “You’ve got more court transcripts than I’ve got hangovers — and that’s saying something.”
  • Reaction: Chong nearly spills his soda laughing.
  • Comeback: Cosby: “At least mine were in daylight hours.”

Sheen → Depp:

  • Setup: “Johnny, ever been to Hot Topic?”
  • Roast: “You’re basically their clearance rack with a SAG card.”
  • Reaction: Audience laughter, a few “Oooohs.”
  • Comeback: Depp: “Better clearance than clearance to your parties.”

Sheen self-burn:

  • Setup: “And me?”
  • Roast: “I’ve had more mugshots than headshots.”
  • Reaction: Crowd bursts out laughing, several people clap.
  • Comeback: Depp: “At least you’re consistent.”

Depp → Cosby:

  • Setup: “Bill, you and I both know legal trouble.”
  • Roast: “You make my legal history look like traffic violations.”
  • Reaction: Cheech whistles, “That’s cold, man.”
  • Comeback: Cosby: “At least I didn’t have to act drunk to get there.”

Depp → Sheen:

  • Setup: “Charlie, stability…”
  • Roast: “Even my drunkest characters have more of it than you.”
  • Reaction: Crowd laughs, Kushie lets out a short bark.
  • Comeback: Sheen: “Yeah, but mine are more fun.”

Depp self-burn:

  • Setup: “And me?”
  • Roast: “I’ve worn more scarves than winters I can remember.”
  • Reaction: Chong nods, “That’s… actually impressive, man.”
  • Comeback: Sheen: “You should start a scarf rental business.”

Cheech: “Cosby’s burns are sweater-soft but still itch. Sheen’s are chaos wrapped in charm.”
Chong: “Johnny’s? Smooth, man… like an indica that sneaks up on you and eats all your snacks.”

Scores: Cosby 19 | Sheen 25 | Depp 28

ROUND 4: THE ROAST RUMBLE

(No turns. Everyone swings until the bell rings.)

Bud D. Lite: “Final round — gloves off, mics hot, dignity optional.”

Sheen:

  • Setup: “Bill, pudding’s supposed to be comfort food…”
  • Roast: “…but you made it terrifying.”
  • Reaction: The audience laughs nervously.
  • Comeback: Cosby: “Better terrifying than forgettable.”
  • Setup: “Johnny…”
  • Roast: “You made scarves pretentious.”
  • Reaction: Cheech chuckles, “Scarves, man… they never saw it coming.”
  • Comeback: Depp: “They’re my battle flags.”

Cosby:

  • Setup: “Charlie…”
  • Roast: “Your bloodstream’s a Breaking Bad pilot.”
  • Reaction: Chong slaps the desk laughing.
  • Comeback: Sheen: “Yeah, but my ratings are better.”
  • Setup: “Johnny…”
  • Roast: “Your wardrobe could strangle a man.”
  • Reaction: Crowd howls.
  • Comeback: Depp: “It’s called layering, Bill.”

Depp:

  • Setup: “Bill…”
  • Roast: “You torpedoed your career and filmed the wreckage.”
  • Reaction: Front row leans back like they caught shrapnel.
  • Comeback: Cosby: “Some of us sink ships, some of us just get lost at sea.”
  • Setup: “Charlie…”
  • Roast: “You’re a midlife crisis on tour.”
  • Reaction: Cheech snorts his drink.
  • Comeback: Sheen: “And you’re my opening act.”

Cheech: “This is like three dudes in a hotbox sword-fighting with baguettes.”
Chong: “And Depp’s already picking out his victory drink.”

Scores: Cosby 19 | Sheen 24 | Depp 27

FINAL SCORES

Cosby: 80
Sheen: 98
Depp: 107

Winner: Johnny Depp

EXTENDED OUTRO / NEXT WEEK TEASE

Cheech: “That’s it for Burn Notice — Depp sails off with the win, Sheen somehow walks out upright, and Cosby leaves… probably with an escort.”

Chong: “Yeah, man, next week’s roster’s gonna be spicy: Kevin Spacey, Vince Neil, and Antonio Brown.”

Bud D. Lite: “One’s got more court cases than award speeches, one’s pickled in Jack Daniel’s, and one treats NFL contracts like scratch-off tickets. This isn’t just gonna be a burn… it’s gonna be a wildfire.”

Kushie: [barks twice]

Bud D. Lite: “Exactly, girl. Bring snacks, bring blunts, and maybe bring a lawyer. Until then — keep your roasts hot, your tokes smooth, and your skeletons exactly where they belong: locked up tight.”