Daily Dabble: Burn Notice – Episode 2 Lawsuits, Leather Pants & Lost Contracts

INTRO

The neon Burn Notice sign flickers like it just ripped half a blunt with the stage crew, the haze in the air could get you high from the parking lot, and the audience is buzzing like someone just announced free nachos at intermission.

I’m your host, Bud D. Lite, with my ride-or-die co-host Kushie — the only Brittany dog who can keep a headset on longer than Vince Neil can keep a note in tune.

Tonight’s contestants?

Kevin Spacey – Oscar-winning actor turned courtroom regular, smug enough to monologue to a jury about why they should thank him.
Vince Neil – Motley Crüe frontman and professional liver abuser, still coasting on an ‘80s glow that’s now just LED mood lighting.
Antonio Brown – NFL great turned shirtless social media hazard, whose career highlight reel now doubles as a list of HR violations.

The rules:

Delivery & Timing – 1–10
Comeback Strength – 1–10
Crowd Reaction – 1–10

Tie? We hit One-Hit Sudden Death — one burn, no takebacks.

CHEECH & CHONG OPENING

Cheech: “We’re here to judge, not roast. Which is weird, ‘cause usually when I judge people, it’s for how much salsa they put on their taco.”
Chong: “Yeah, man… my only scoring system is ‘how many hits until the room stops spinning.’”
Cheech: “If it burns like good shatter, it’s a 10.”
Chong: “If it’s weak, we’re tossing it like stems and seeds.”

Kushie barks once, tail wagging.

ROUND 1: WARM-UP WOUNDS

(One roast per opponent — shake off the nerves.)

Spacey → Neil:
Setup: “Vince, you’ve been on more reunion tours…”
Roast: “…than I’ve been on trial. And that’s saying something.”
Reaction: Crowd laughs, Cheech mutters, “Low blow, man.”
Comeback: Neil: “Yeah, but my tours have an encore. Your career didn’t.”

Spacey → Brown:
Setup: “Antonio, you’ve got game.”
Roast: “Unfortunately, it’s the kind played in a padded cell.”
Reaction: Audience gasps and laughs, Chong: “He’s not wrong, man.”
Comeback: Brown: “Better than playing dress-up as the world’s creepiest president.”

Neil → Spacey:
Setup: “Kevin, I’ve been booed before…”
Roast: “…but at least I was on stage and not in court.”
Reaction: Crowd “Oooohs.”
Comeback: Spacey: “And I’ve never had to lip-sync to hide how bad I sound.”

Neil → Brown:
Setup: “Antonio, you’ve been on more teams…”
Roast: “…than I’ve been on crash diets.”
Reaction: Chong spits out his drink laughing.
Comeback: Brown: “Yeah, and you quit all yours too.”

Brown → Spacey:
Setup: “Kevin, you like role-playing, huh?”
Roast: “Too bad half your roles are now exhibits in evidence.”
Reaction: Audience winces, Cheech covers his face laughing.
Comeback: Spacey: “And too bad yours are just shirtless Instagram Lives.”

Brown → Neil:
Setup: “Vince, I’ve seen drunk…”
Roast: “…but you walk like the stage is moving even when it’s not.”
Reaction: Crowd laughs hard.
Comeback: Neil: “At least I’m moving, unlike your contract offers.”

Cheech: “They’re just warming up, but it’s already spicy, man.”
Chong: “Yeah, like that first hit when you forgot you cleaned the bong.”

Scores:

Spacey: 24
Neil: 22
Brown: 25

ROUND 2: SKELETONS OUT OF THE CLOSET

(Deeper cuts, nastier truths.)

Spacey → Neil:
Setup: “Vince, the ‘80s were good to you…”
Roast: “…but the 2000s treated you like you treated your vocal cords — total abuse and zero rehab.”
Reaction: Crowd howls, Cheech claps slow.
Comeback: Neil: “Still better than abusing my audience’s trust.”

Spacey → Brown:
Setup: “Antonio, you’ve got talent.”
Roast: “Too bad your career path looks like a police report with touchdowns.”
Reaction: Audience Ooooohs, Chong wipes his eyes laughing.
Comeback: Brown: “Better than your career looking like an episode of Law & Order: Special Creeps Unit.”

Neil → Spacey:
Setup: “Kevin, your scandals…”
Roast: “…make Motley Crüe backstage look like a church bake sale.”
Reaction: Audience loses it.
Comeback: Spacey: “At least people still show up to mine.”

Neil → Brown:
Setup: “Antonio, you’re unpredictable.”
Roast: “The only route you run these days is straight to the TMZ office.”
Reaction: Chong snorts laughing.
Comeback: Brown: “Yeah, but at least I’m running. You’re wheezing.”

Brown → Spacey:
Setup: “Kevin, you were on House of Cards…”
Roast: “…but your real talent is turning every room into a panic room.”
Reaction: Cheech nearly falls out of his chair.
Comeback: Spacey: “And your talent is making coaches panic.”

Brown → Neil:
Setup: “Vince, I like your music…”
Roast: “…it’s the perfect soundtrack for falling off a bar stool.”
Reaction: Audience chants “FALL! FALL! FALL!”
Comeback: Neil: “Better that than falling off the NFL roster.”

Cheech: “Man, these closets ain’t got skeletons… they’ve got live tenants paying rent.”
Chong: “Yeah, but the rent’s overdue, man.”

Scores:

Spacey: 23
Neil: 24
Brown: 26

ROUND 3: SELF-INFLICTED BURNS – EXTENDED CUT

(Roast both opponents + destroy yourself.)

Spacey → Neil:
“Vince, you’ve let yourself go… so far, you should start charging admission. Maybe call it The Decline Tour 2024.”
Crowd roars, someone yells “Play the hits!”
Neil: “Still cheaper than your hush money settlements.”

Spacey → Brown:
“Antonio, you say you’re a free agent… I say you’re just unemployed with Wi-Fi and way too much lotion.”
Audience explodes; Chong: “Wi-Fi and lotion? Dangerous, man.”
Brown: “Better that than unemployed and uninvited to the Oscars.”

Spacey Self-Burn:
“I went from winning Oscars to winning restraining orders. From red carpets to court carpets. My IMDB page now looks like a police blotter, and even Netflix ghosted me harder than my accusers.”
Audience gasps, then laughs; Cheech wiping tears.
Neil: “At least you’re still booking… court dates.”

Neil → Spacey:
“Kevin, you’ve been to more trials than I’ve been to rehearsals — and trust me, I skip a lot of rehearsals.”
Chong wheezes like an overheated engine.
Spacey: “At least I show up sober… sometimes.”

Neil → Brown:
“Antonio, you’ve quit more teams than I’ve quit diets — and those usually quit themselves after the first nacho.”
Cheech laughing so hard he snorts.
Brown: “Better to quit than be carried off stage by security and oxygen tanks.”

Neil Self-Burn:
“I used to hit high notes. Now I just hit the buffet — twice. My cardio is climbing onto a tour bus. I’m living proof rock ’n’ roll ages like milk left in a van at Coachella. My mic stand has better posture than I do.”
Front row chanting “BUFF-ET! BUFF-ET!”
Brown: “And somehow you still can’t hit the dessert bar in key.”

Brown → Spacey:
“Kevin, you were the face of prestige TV… now you’re just a ‘Before’ picture for Hollywood ethics training.”
Audience erupts, Cheech doubles over.
Spacey: “Better ‘Before’ than ‘Never Was’.”

Brown → Neil:
“Vince, you look like you smell like Jack Daniel’s, Marlboros, and alimony checks that keep bouncing.”
Crowd howls, Chong: “That’s oddly specific, man.”
Neil: “Better than smelling like desperation and bad rap singles.”

Brown Self-Burn:
“I’m the only guy to fumble the bag while holding it in both hands. I quit mid-game, stripped mid-field, and then wondered why the calls stopped coming. My brand is so toxic, even my Madden rating ghosted me. At this point, my playbook is just a Tinder profile.”
Audience goes insane; Kushie barks twice like she’s laughing.
Neil: “You should sign with the WWE — you’re halfway to wrestling yourself.”

Cheech: “Man, that round was like taking a gravity bong to the face — you think you can handle it, then it knocks you on your ass.”
Chong: “Yeah, and now they’re all coughing up dignity.”

Scores:

Spacey: 19
Neil: 25
Brown: 28

ROUND 4: ROAST RUMBLE

(No turns, just chaos.)

Spacey:
“Vince, your fans are just people who got lost looking for a karaoke bar.”
Neil: “Better that than fans looking for my victims.”

“Antonio, you’ve got more red flags than a Chinese parade.”
Brown: “Better than having ‘Do Not Enter’ on my Wikipedia page.”

Neil:
“Kevin, your comeback is as likely as me fitting back into leather pants.”
Spacey: “And both would be crimes against humanity.”

“Antonio, you left the NFL like you were dodging child support.”
Brown: “At least I left on my own terms, grandpa.”

Brown:
“Kevin, you could play a villain… but life already typecast you.”
Spacey: “Better typecast than no cast.”

“Vince, you’re living proof that rock ’n’ roll ages like milk.”
Neil: “Better milk than sour grapes.”

Cheech: “That was like watching three raccoons fight over a dumpster fire.”
Chong: “Yeah, man… and the dumpster won.”

FINAL SCORES

Spacey: 87
Neil: 96
Brown: 103

Winner: Antonio Brown 🏆

OUTRO / NEXT WEEK TEASE

Cheech: “Antonio walks away with the win, Vince stumbles to the bar, and Kevin slips out the back with legal counsel.”
Chong: “Next week, man… Lindsay Lohan, Bam Margera, and Post Malone.”
Bud D. Lite: “One’s a rehab regular, one’s allergic to staying upright, and one looks like a SoundCloud rapper’s face lost a fight with a sticker book. It’s gonna be loud.”
Kushie: [barks once]
Bud D. Lite: “Exactly, girl. See you then. Bring blunts, bring snacks, and maybe bring earplugs.”